


rich’s five step guide to wooing the headphones hottie

by TheSubtextMachine



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Bad Advice, Done on request!!, Excessive Use of the Word "Bro", Friendship, Getting Together, Lists, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-28 11:23:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19811275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSubtextMachine/pseuds/TheSubtextMachine
Summary: Rich has come to the startling realization that Michael is hot, and he's tasked Jake with the job of teaching him the five steps of getting the guy.





	rich’s five step guide to wooing the headphones hottie

**1\. Give him lots of compliments/nicknames**

Jake was walking through the cafeteria, shooting nods and high fives to everyone he recognized, when he heard the characteristic thump of worn sneakers on the tile.

Rich.

Rich flagged down Jake with all the tenacity that could fit in his small body, and Jake could feel it by the new grip on his wrist as he whirled around to face a crazy eyed Rich, who looked as if he’d just seen a ghost.

“What’s up?” Jake asked, hoping that the newly growing worry wasn’t evident in his voice. Last time Rich looked like this, it ended with a pyramid scheme. Jake just hoped that this one wouldn’t end in eighteen (quite vengeful) freshmen in their school losing three quarters of the contents in their piggy banks.

“Headphones Kid is _hot_ ,” said Rich. His hands practically shaking in excitement. A kid walked by him, bumping Rich’s shoulder, but he was still unperturbed. It was unnerving, how intense he could get in moments like this.

“What?”

“Michael! He’s hot!”

“And you’re just realizing this now?” Jake asked, thinking back on the past two weeks of eating lunches as a group and getting stoned in each other’s basements. 

“I mean, I knew that he was attractive, but today it just hit me, like, holy shit! That kid can get it!” said Rich, not at all clearing up any of Jake’s confusion. He couldn’t tell if this was going to be more or less destructive to their friend group than the pyramid scheme.

Rich took his silence for approval, and kept rambling on. He began walking, and Jake followed him, not able to decipher where they were heading.

“I was staring at him in math class, right? And he was just, like, chewing on the end of his pen and looking at the worksheet and I swear- the heavens opened up. He’s so pretty, oh my _god_.”

“Wait, why were you staring at him in math class?” Jake asked.

“Because he’s hot,” said Rich, before sitting down at the regular lunch table.Jake looked around, realizing that the Squid Squad could be there any moment, and he wondered for a second if Michael would hear any of this.

“Didn’t you realize he was hot after you stared at him?”

“I knew he was hot, I just didn’t realize the extent of it. Anyway, they’re gonna get here soon, so I need you to give me some advice,” said Rich.

“My advice is to stop staring at him in math class,” said Jake with a smile.

“Fuck you, I do what I want. Anyway, back to advice- I need to make out with him. At least once in my lifetime. I can’t die not knowing how good of a kisser he is, y’know?” 

“Wait, so you want to…?” Jake asked, feeling more confused than ever. 

“Woo him. I wanna woo the shit out of him, alright?”

“Okay! Okay… um, I don’t know how this works with guys, but… if you need to flirt, a good place to start is nicknames, right? So just, um, do that,” said Jake. This was more new to him than he would’ve liked to admit.

“Okay… he’s coming, quick! What should I call him?” Rich asked, and Jake turned around to see Michael, walking with his attention split between his phone and his path through the cafeteria.

“I don’t know! I- something I call Chloe? I don’t know, man, this is a thing for you to figure out-”

“Hey Big Sexy!” yelped Rich, the shock of it making Michael trip a bit before looking to the table in confusion. 

“I don’t call Chloe that!” said Jake, taking in Rich’s face, unusually colored with a hint of embarrassment.

“I panicked.”

Jake looked to Michael, still walking over to their table. With a shock, he realized that Michael was blushing a little bit.

This might work.

-

**2\. Have him feel your muscles**

“Hey, Mikey-Boy, how’re you doing?” asked Rich, bombastically sliding into the scene of Jake and Michael working on their class project at his desk. 

“I don’t even get a hello?” Jake asked, speaking as his gaze latched onto their usually strict teacher, now occupied with another set of partners for the group project.

“We were texting literally five minutes ago,” said Rich, and Jake was hit with the harsh, screen cracked memory of what exactly they were talking about. It was like he was watching the scene in slow motion, knowing the exact disaster that would happen and being totally unable to stop it.

“Anyway, Michael…” began Rich, his voice slowed down and deepened by Jake’s mental slow motion. A tragic opera played in the background, the soprano making her displeasure with Rich misunderstanding that Jake was _joking_ very clear.

“Mhm?” hummed Michael, totally unaware. Ignorance was bliss, Jake thought.

“Wanna feel my muscles?” Rich asked. His voice was inhumanly confident, despite the fact that he was clearly making the worst mistake of his entire romantic life and-

“Sure,” said Michael. He reached out and ran his hand along the bicep, eyebrow furrowed a bit, like he wasn’t holding Rich’s arm for romantic or erotic reasons, but as a scientist. 

On the other side, Rich looked absolutely thrilled, clearly savoring the skin to skin contact, which Michael seemed altogether unaffected by. 

“These are nice!” said Michael as he retracted his hand, studiously going back to his work. Rich’s excitement quickly became despair at the ease with which Michael seemed to drop him and his hard-earned musculature. 

“So, um, Rich,” started Jake, hoping to draw some attention away from Rich and his disappointment.

“Yeah?” Rich asked, and Jake had the belated realization that he didn’t know what he’d distract Rich with. He stared, moon eyed, for a couple of seconds before Michael pitched in.

“Distracted by the muscles? Don’t worry, I know the feeling,” he said.

“Y-you do?” Rich asked, some hope glimmering in his eye.

“Yeah, of course. They’re fantastic. Sometimes it’s hard to look away,” he said.

“Even with the- uh- burn stuff?” Rich asked, self consciously and subtly running his palm over one of the worst of the scars.

“It’s kind of a non-issue. For me, at least. I don’t know about the other people who stare at your arms in class,” said Michael casually as he turned back, once again, to his work. Rich looked at Jake with an astounded face, before pointedly typing out a text in his phone Jake felt a buzz in his post.

_From: Richie Rich Bitch  
BROOO Did that??? Happen? Wait was it like a gay thing or do people get platonically fascinated by my arms bro im tripping what does that mean_

Jake looked at his phone for a few contemplative seconds before typing out his response.

_To: Richie Rich Bitch  
I don’t fucking know. I mean, I don’t stare at ur muscles or anything, you’d have to ask the rest of the squad I guess?_

_From: Richie Rich Bitch  
Wait I have an idea_

“So, Michael… what other guys in school distract you with their muscles? I wanna know my competition,” said Rich, clearly trying to sound sly. Jake carefully watched Michael’s face, noticing a surreptitious smile bloom, even though it was still faced down to his paper.

“You don’t need to worry about competition, bro. Just you and your arms,” Michael said, not looking away from his paper. 

Jake had the sudden, impossibly strong urge to high five Rich so hard that he broke his arm. These harebrained schemes might actually work.

-

**3\. Be a shoulder to cry on**

Jake realized that he was getting a bit too invested in Rich’s romantic success when he noticed that Michael clearly hadn’t showered in a few days, and his immediate urge was to text Rich and tell him that it was time to swoop in and save the day.

He decided that it was just a sign that he was a good friend, so he texted Rich a simple “step three to romance… be a shoulder to cry on when ya boi is clearly goin through shit”.

Judging by the way that the next day, when Rich and Michael walked together to the lunch table, bumping elbows and smiling, Jake figured that it worked out. He pretended that he wasn’t unreasonably proud at this development. 

-

**4\. Give him food**

“Have you heard the old saying? The one that, like… the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach?” Rich asked, raising his voice to be heard over the thundering sound effects of WiiSports. Jake would never forgive Jeremy for getting him addicted to the game, but he figured that the best retribution would be getting good enough at the game to beat Jeremy.

(At least that was what he told himself so he could sleep at night.)

“Uh, yeah?” Jake said, eyes still trained on the TV screen of Michael’s basement. It seemed a little risky for Rich to be bringing this up when Michael was just in the other room, but Jake wasn’t willing to waste precious focus on that instead of getting a strike in the bowling game.

“Because I kinda made, like, three dozen cookies last night and I don’t know if he’ll be attracted to that or think that I’m, like, a housewife or something,” said Rich, before swinging his arm, getting a strike without effort, causing Jake to swear loudly.

“Fuck you, man. Anyway, I’m sure he’ll love the cookies. Just save some for me, alright, buddy?” 

“Fuck no! Those are romance cookies! I don’t want you falling for me, that would be, like, hella awkward.”

“Romance cookies?” Michael asked from behind them, immediately causing Rich to break out into a toothy smile. Jake was no romantic, but even he had to admit that that shit was cute to see.

Rich put his remote down, and went to grab his bag. He had to wrestle it out from under a sleeping Brooke, who merely grumbled before settling back down. Once the bag was free, he zipped it open and relentlessly fished for the box, not caring for the stray papers that flew out in his search. Once he’d unearthed the box, holding it like it was some grand treasure, he tossed it to the suddenly flustered Michael, who’s face struck a chord between utterly confused and charmed. 

“For you,” said Rich, simply. Then, he unleashed the full force of that toothy grin onto Michael, who appeared to be quite captivated. Jake mentally fist pumped- he didn’t even need to come up with a step for this romantic endeavor, his boy figured it out all on his own.

“Jesus Christ, get a room,” said Jeremy, before sucking down a Crystal Pepsi in record time. 

“Let me have my goddamn moment,” griped Rich.

“No!” said Jeremy in return.

“What, bro, you don’t like the sight of your best bro being charmed by another bro?” asked Jake, putting down his remote. He was ready to fight for his friend. Jeremy looked spooked.

“It’s alright, we can get a room right now. It is my house, after all,” said Michael.

“Really, bro, you’d do that for me?” asked Rich, holding out his hand.

“Of course, bro,” said Michael in return, grabbing Rich’s hand and squeezing. 

“Let’s get that room, said Rich, before being pulled out of the basement by a laughing Michael, who had the box of cookies in one hand and Rich in the other.

Once they were gone, Jake turned to Jeremy, who looked notably grumpy. “Dude, what’s your problem?”

Jeremy walked to sit next to Jake, and lowered his voice, aiming to be discreet despite the sorta-party going on around them. It was just their friend group fucking around, and a significant amount of them were either sleeping or had their headphones in, but Jeremy was easily the most careful among them with information, so his caution made some sense.

“I just… whatever this joke is, about Rich hitting on Michael, it’s starting to confuse people… especially Michael,” said Jeremy, his voice low and serious.

“What- what if it’s not a joke?” Jake asked.

“No shit?”

“Yeah, no shit,” said Jake. He never thought he’d say those words so seriously.

“Do you know this for sure? Because Michael is my ride or die, and if you guys are gonna fuck with his feelings, then-”

“I know this for sure,” said Jake. 

The moment, in all of its seriousness, hung for a moment, before Jeremy held up his hand in a “wait” signal. Then, he let loose a massive burp, effectively breaking any tension of the moment.

-

**5\. Just make the goddamn move, bro**

Two weeks later, the flirtationship between Rich and Michael had visibly continued to grow- the flirting had reached a downright brazen point. It was, however, still operating from that painful “this _could_ be a joke” place. Jenna had even pulled Jake aside to ask what was going on between them, because apparently people (yes, plural) had been asking her what their deal was.

Their “deal”, at the moment, was that of infuriating mutual pining. Jeremy and Jake had started confiding their frustrations in each other, complaining at length about the bullshit reasons their friends were offering for not making the move. 

Jake understood that it was hard to be vulnerable, but _come on_. This was ridiculous. They had reached the point where they were giving each other heart shaped baked goods. 

The topic had come up on a lazy Sunday afternoon, sharing some (heart shaped and made with love, no homo, by Michael) cookies on the dilapidated porch of Rich’s house. They usually hung out at Jake’s place, but Rich’s car was in for repairs for the weekend, so they were stuck hanging at the neighborhood HOA’s least favorite residence. 

“I just don’t get what you’re waiting for. Michael obviously feels the same way,” said Jake.

“I’m not so sure,” said Rich, looking self consciously over at Jake. In response, he just held up of the heart shaped cookies, as if that was all the proof he needed. Rich just waved it away and continued, “and even if he did like me the same way-”

“Which he definitely does.” Jake got a dirty look for the interruption.

“How would I even ask him out? Like… where would I even begin?” Rich asked helplessly, waving the cookie around as he gestured emphatically.

“Rich. Richie Rich Bitch. My boy, my brother… just ask him out. Just… tomorrow morning, ask him out. Ask him if he’d like to go on a date sometime.”

“What if he says no?” 

“What if he says yes?”

-

**(BONUS) 6. Thank your wingman (or wingwoman, or just wingfriend)!**

That Monday, Jake found himself walking through the cafeteria. He shot nods and high fives to everyone he recognized, and then he heard it. He heard the sneakers, the exuberant huffs of joy, and the song always being hummed under his breath.

Rich.

Jake twirled around, finding himself way too excited for the news that he knew was coming.

“So…?”

“He said yes! Thank you! Thankyouthankyou! I’m so- aghhhh I- we’re going to see some Pixar movie, like, this weekend, and we’ve both already seen it, so we know it’s gonna be-”

“Makeout Central!” they shouted in unison, before sharing one of the most cosmically epic high fives ever experienced on that cafeteria floor. 

“Bro, I’m so proud of you!” said Jake, glowing in the secondhand excitement and happiness. Holy shit, he thought, this friendship thing really is one hell of a drug.

“I’m proud of me too, not gonna lie,” said Rich. Over Jake’s shoulder, he saw more of the lunch squad, and rushed over to tell them to good news. Jake just watched the boy go, chuckling over how he looked like an excited puppy.

His phone buzzed, so he pulled it out, his smile still persisting.

_From: Jere Bear  
U know that Michael was the one that asked Rich out, right?_

_To: Jere Bear  
Fuck i already told him I was proud of him_

_From: Jere Bear  
Rip… also ur game lessons succ lol_

_To: Jere Bear  
You don’t have any game tho_

_From: Jere Bear  
Tell that to my Magic: The Gathering deck… >:(_

**Author's Note:**

> hey bmc fandom! I've been reading bmc fic for a hot minute, but I got this request and i had to write it!! If you see this and want me to write more bmc, hit me up with prompts or ideas or just general friendship on tumblr @thesubtextmachine


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